Just like the phoenix rising from the ashes, or return of arnie in Terminator 3 or even when Superman come back to life after pressures from comic book fans... my most anticipted moment finally came yesterday... yes, this mat is back on his wheels. I was all smiles yesterday and it kinda bugged a few of the guys at school... heheh. I'm really happy, i can't really put it into words. Yah, you guys may say that its just a mode of transport. But is the Excalibur just a sword to King Arthur? Or is music just rhythm and words to Stevie Wonder? NO! It means more than what they appear to these people. Just like what my bike means to me. I don't really expect any of you to comprehend the intensity of my passion with motorbikes, but everybody needs passion. Passion helps take you out of the state of disenchantment, gives you dreams and aspirations... things that i lost once before. Things that make you smile for no reason. Brightens even your nights like the fourth of July. When i ride, its as if i'm flying... free and unobstructed. Things i did before, i will never do again. Never will i take things i love for granted again. Life is becoming a bit brighter for me. Hope it continues going that way... If ya see da streetz smokin' and da tar meltin', don't worry... coz it wuz me burnin' rubber... i'm ghost.

The week passed quite quickly... lectures after lectures, day after day... life is as empty as before. Been kept busy with oncoming assignment datelines and mid-terms... quite boring actually... had been contemplating about talking to 'Lana Lang' at school, but i'm kinda shy. Or just can't be bothered about it.... i dunno. There are perks to being single, ogle at girls to my hearts content, nobody calling to check on you every half an hour... but that's the thing, you lose all sense of control over yourself... there's no check and balance in my life nowadays. I tend to go over-board at doing things. I lost bearings and direction, and there's noone to pull me back on track. I've been procrastinating all semester long, but there's still time to buck up. I just on't have the 'drive' anymore... i hope it will change by next week. Expecting something great to happen... its almost there, i can smell it. Trying to move on has been quite hard, but since she already has... there's no point in me idling about. The ocean is waiting for me to explore it... somebody had called me the 'loner' before. Looks like that's what i'm gonna be... loner. Ride off into the sunset, a bit of a western cliche, but must admit its quite cool... just me and my trusty steed. I just packed my past into a few shoe boxes a few days ago. Funny how years of memories, as important and meaningful there are, can fit into such tiny, tangible objects... but will the mortal enclosure be able to keep the memories in? That remains to be seen... i just wanna continue with my life. No use looking back when you keep stumbling while trying to move forward... ok, i gotta sleep... got a 10am tutorial to get to later... i'm ghost

Life has this innate ability to turn out far from how you expect it to be. I have had the pleasure to experience this more than once but, please, don't take it as it being an honour for me. I grew up with ideals. Ideals dat had created this perfectly unbiased world for me. Yes, some would call dat blind, childish naivety. But hey, i was young. Though i gotta thank life for taking all dat from me... yup, it took away things dat matters most from me... and was it satisified? NO! It took every remaining ouce of hope and drive i had left too... and abandoned me to rot in the desert. I've always tried to keep my head up and wished for better days. Even dat, it seems, appeared too much for life to spare. But now, i've got nothing left to lose. I've been at the bottom, with nowhere else to fall. I never stopped hoping dat things are gonna be different every single morning i wake up. But dats just reality for you. I've been deeply affected by a recent occurance dat awoke me from my denial. I lay in the shadows and fended off my demons by myself. I've come to accept my situation. But i still can't believe what had happened. How can this happen? It just proves and reveals a lot to me... and i can finally see things clearly. Now, i feel lost with noone to turn to. But i will find my way... somehow. You have got me down again and again, but no more. I will never be the same again, i will never look at life the same... though i've walked through the valley of the shadow of death, i will reappear with death's head in my hands with a bloody smirk on my face. I should thank those who've had made me weep, threw me into depression and caused me pain you can't imagine... coz the pain you caused, will make me stronger. I'm sad dat we have to go our saperate ways... but life has to go on...

One thing i have learnt the past year is to take things with a pinch of salt... heck, take a whole handful and while you are at it, put in some pepper and belacan as well. Never will i ever take things seriously anymore, since people don't really take me seriously. There's no true love, there's never really 'the one' for you. As honest as people can get, they hurt you the same as those mo'fo hypocrites. Nobody is perfect, and yes, that includes you. We have to realise that the world is not a perfect reality. In fact, reality is not perfect and that is what makes it real. Perfect worlds are refractions of reality... fairy tales, dreams of the idle. Living in their own world, so perfect and harmonious that once the bubble is burst and reality sets in, they experience withdrawals and denial. Once we face the fact that the world is not this beautiful place that we make it out to be, only then can we see the true reality. We shouldn't try to impose positive and negative values on life, just see it as it is. Take things as they come, accepting it. Keep it simple, do not complicate them. We are just footprints on the sands of the shores of time. Our time here is limited, if we worry about every single thing in life, then when can we start living?

Life is farked up, who doesn't know? And living isn't as easy as how it used to be. Work on the fields in the day, make babies at night... plain and simple, survival of the fittest. Natural selection as explained by Darwin. Though we are not necessarily apes, the thoery itself says a lot. But hey, life ain't that simple no more. Love is over-rated, its not as blissful as what people claim it to be. Its just an acculmination of compromises, sacrifices and wishful thinking. Its an extension of the natural selection theory. Just because we can think and we have emotions doesn't make us special from the other mammals. And who said these attributes are exclusive. For all we know, they are just natural instincts, being attrated to the opposite sex. I mean human beings do produce endorphines. That's what we are attracted to, BO... yes, body odour. Emotions are electric signals sent through our nervous system. Causes variable heart rate, blood pressure and results in many other hormonal discharge. So if all these are natural, how different are we from the animals? Emotions are socially constructed, an exercise of power to put humans on top of the animal kingdom. And some of us are certainly at the end of the natural food chain... well, actually everywhere in the food chain... leaves-> grasshoppers-> humans... leaves-> grasshoppers-> chickens -> humans... leaves-> grasshoppers-> chickens-> snakes -> humans... errmmm, need i say more? Ok, whatever, do what y'all like. Anyways, to quote from a person i know, love is a wildly misunderstood, although highly desirable, malfunction of the cardiac-respiratory system, which incapacitates the cerebral cortex resulting in stupidity. That says it all, don't you think? Aite... enough, i'm ghost.

Finally the dreaded day is over. The day many couples anticipated, planned and executed with perfect precision to so-called present their affection and appreciation for each other. Argh... its not that i'm a valentine's day gringe, nor do i succumb to fulfilling the status quo, but today just reminds me of my present state. Walk around anywhere in Singapore right now, and you'll see couples holding hands, hugging, kissing, girls holding flowers... Bah!!! If you really love your partner, there is really no need for celebrating valentine's day right? Everyday would be valentine's day. There's so much anger, so much frustration, sadness all contained in this bottle that it might just burst anytime. I've got no more words that i've not used before to describe what i'm feeling. Shit, i don't know what else to say... i just feel a lot of pain and anger. But alas... for to the couples out there, Happy Valentine's Day... So now thats over *a sigh of relief* we can finally concentrate on other stuff. That's all for this time actually... i'm ghost.

Been a week or so, somehow i don't feel obligated to regularly add entries here, coz i don't know who's reading all this. But all the while, dat has not been the intention of mine. Its kinda pitiful actually when people, me included, have to resort to expressing feelings and thoughts on the internet, hoping someone would chance upon them and read them. Is dat the only way we can tell others what we really feel? Well... people used to listen more, pay attention more... Its hard when everybody is busy doing their own stuff dat we neglect the finer things in life, the most precious in life, what matters the most... In everything dat we do, whether conscious or otherwise, we are seeking attention. In fact, even when we wanna be alone, we are actually attracting attention. Ironic, but try to think about it for awhile... Why is attention important? why do we want people to listen to us? Why do we need dat? To keep us sane... to feed our need to interact... i dunno. I have gone through a stage where it seems dat the whole world had kept a deaf ear on me... not listening to my cries, my shouts for help... it felt lonely. I felt neglected. And sometimes you feel dat people just don't listen enough or they don't seem to understand what you are trying to say... then you'll feel irritated at the world and angry with yourself. Perhaps all of us should try to spare some time to listen to our loved ones. But don't just listen with your ears, listen with your heart as well... You'll be surprised to what you can actually find. Dat's all i got this time round... i'm ghost. i feel like i'm fading into the silence, can anybody see me?

I've been thinking about it the whole day... i feel dat i live too sheltered and protected a life. Most of us are, but i can't speak for everyone. I come back home from school everyday, knowing dat there will be food, might not be on the table coz might attract ants... but there is food in the kitchen. Parents give me allowance every month, may not be much to splurge on stuff, but at least i won't die. Most importantly, i have people at home, to give me support... emotional, psychological and all dat jazz. But what about people, my age, where they have to work literally to stay alive? They come home to a broken one, or even an empty one. No one they can joke around with... to wish good nite when they go to bed or complain of nagging at them too much. Sometimes we take things for granted... a lot of things. Simple things in life where we don't really prioritise and value, but actually are important in life. Old friends when they ask me what i'm doing right now... they are amazed that i'm actually in Uni, coz for them, they have no chance of going this far... yes, you may argue dat they didn't study hard enough. But i think its not really their fault, they didn't have the kind of support and backing dat i have.

I'm so sheltered and protected, dat i don't really have to worry about food, or roof over my head, or paying the bills for dat matter. I have things so easy compared to them. Makes me a bit disgusted at myself actually. These people, some who turn out to be dreadfully bad, while the others turns out to be quite independent. Its these others dat really inspire me and receive my utmost respect. They are going through a hard time juggling everything, yet they can outshine others in many ways. Today have really put my life in perpective. I have been taking life for granted for far too long. When we feel bad, there's always people who are in worse positions, though they may not be worse off. Life may be hard for them, but it doesn't stop them from living. People go through life differently, some have it easy, others get it with a whole lot of crap. Thing is, either way, we shouldn't take things for granted and don't let crap stop us from stepping forward. Heck, get yourselves in deep shit if you want to... but remember to get out of it. Some argue dat the difference between a bucket of crap and life, is the bucket... but out of dat crap, a flower hence blooms... look around you, appreciate them. You live only once, so enjoy it... especially for those who believe in reincarnation, knock yourselves out. Aite, dats all fer tonite... i'm ghost.

Its funny how you don't realize the things dat are dragging you down. Things you never thought you can let go. Things dat you wanna keep with you all your life. Things you thought were a part of you. But there will come a time when you realize you have to let go... comes hitting on your head like a tonne of bricks. It is hard, but its something you have to do for yourself. Probably you have earned it. Its time to smell the fresh air. Though it needs getting used to. Memories will not be lost. Treasure them instead. You will always be reminded of the happy moments, but don't ever let dat stop you from moving on with life. Treat them like a reminder of what you have achieved. Somewhere along your journey through life, people are bound to come and go. Strangers when you first met, but you leave as friends. Paths will inevitably cross again one day. So never say "good bye", say "see you soon"... life is already difficult, so don't make it anymore difficult for yourself. I will always remember how we first met, what you wore, how you looked, what you said... all will accompany me when i close my eyes at night. In the mornings, when you used to brighten up my day, the sun will do dat from now on. Times you comforted me during hardship and pain, i will have to learn to do it myself. You had always cheered me up and made me happy, now i will always be, knowing you are happy... Though i now walk alone, i will not be lonely. I will get used to this smile dat i wear. It is time for me to rediscover myself. You may have left me, but i am not lost. I will have to let go of your hands now... you'll always be in my prayers... Happy Anniversary, dear...

Firstly, a happy chinese new year to all... and to all, gong xi fa cai. Its been quite a while since i last wrote in. Frankly, i got nothing new to share... coz i been feeling the same for these past week. Realize it'll be stupid to keep talking about the same thing. So just to update on stuff... went to jams last week. The music was great, hardcore hip hop man. But just like shit attracts flies, hip hop attracts mats... well, me included. But these poeple are really hardcore and they can get real agressive sometimes. Its just something about the crowd dat doesn't suit me. I can't really pin point what... and i'm still wondering why the police chose to spot-check me out of the hundreds there dat fits the profile. Damn... do i really look like one of 'em? Hey, i may look rough around the edges, but i ain't in no stinkin' ss. These security checks and profiling of clubs can really get on your nerves. Though i like the music, don't think i'll be returning there anytime soon. The past few days, i've been coming home late... purposely doing it coz i don't wanna give my mind time to wonder and think about what had happened. Its been working great... kept me bz and occupied. It doesn't matter what i'll be doing outside, as long as i'm out wif friends. But its taking a toll on me, can't sleep soundly at night and keep waking up late. I'm turning out into a real night-dweller... most acitve when at night. School is normal, nothing great. Though i'm still not in the right state of mind to get down to studies yet. So, been slacking at the canteen most of the time. A bit worried, but not getting around to do anything about it. Later lah...Ok, dats enough updating fer now... catch you guys later... i'm ghost.

When you love something very much, you gotta let it go... where did this come from? Who thought of it? And why the hell is it so true? Sometimes you just know dat you have to let it go, although you just wanna be a selfish ass and keep it close you. Love it so dearly dat you have to let it go coz you know it won't be happy with you. You are happy once it's happy... and dat is all dat matters to you, no matter how much it hurts. Means the world to you, its opinions of you means a lot. Breaks you to pieces knowing you will have to let it go, finding comfort only with the thought dat it will be happier. Wounds dat will never heal... i would prefer fracturing my arm 10 more times than to go through this pain again, at least fractures can heal. What is the correct decision? One which seems to be the right thing to do, or something dat doesn't seem right but what you have to do? I believe dat its the second one. The right thing to do don't always seem right... why did the government ban chewing gum althought it seems like a harmless piece of thing... to prevent your butt from getting stuck to yer chair with gum. You may not necessarily like the things you do, you do it coz it is the right thing to do and you have to do it. You need to pick someone for an important section of your group project; on one hand is yer close bud you knew since primary school but who is a bit on a slacker side, and on the other is an aquintance whom is hardworking and dedicated. Who would you pick? Not easy huh? What about having a choice of being together with someone you love dearly but you know dat it can never work out, or letting her go knowing in the long run she will find someone better and will end up happier than she ever will if she's with you? Life is cruel... it sucks big time. You know life will never be the same again without her, but its something you have to do... for her sake. Open the cage, wish her luck and watch her fly off... Life is never 1+1=2... its not clear cut. It more like a jumbbled up bunch of numbers dat you have to sort out by yourself, with no clue what so ever how to. You just do it as you go along... its like those word puzzles dat after you crack your brains, you still can't solve it. There is a treasure chest in the middle of a square piece of land surrounded by a chasm 10m wide and unsurpassed depth... you only have 2 pieces of 9.8m long poles, dats it... how do you get to the treasure? Dats a lot like life ain't it? You have the solution only if it was 0.2m longger or more. The trouble is, you only have what is given to you. Or maybe the solution is hidden... look at your hands, how many fingers do you see? 5? If you can't see beyond the problem, than dats all you see... a hand dat is stopping you. You can't find the solution if you don't look beyond the problem. Life takes unexpected twists and turns... you just gotta know when to bank left or right and when to dip yer knees... i'm ghost... I miss you a lot dear...

After a much needed escape, i feel much relieved from my stress. Came back from Genting yesterday. It was a fun, eye-opening experience. Imagine you can see yer breath coming out 24-7. I mean it may be common for those in the west, but somewhere as near as Genting? Its a bit fascinating. We did a lot of window shopping at KL. Took some rides in Genting. In KL, the big shopping centres have indoor theme parks... kinda cool. We ate a lot during the trip. Spent most on food... but it wasn't a waste. Enjoyed every last morsel. It was really a nice experience. Upon coming back to SG, i realised how much our air here was different from dat back up in genting. It kinda stinks compared to dat of genting... the air is very cool and fresh. I hardly sweat up there. When i left for genting, it was as though i am leaving everything behind... memories, my past, even part of myself. I was able to be free in, do what i want, without feeling burdened. But as soon as the tour coach crossed over the SG immigration on the way back to SG, it all came back. Its like a 1 tonne anvil dropped rite on my head... a sudden realisation of who you are, and what you left behind. I became burdened again by memories, responsibilities and worries... wish i could go on a holiday forever... don't all of us wish dat... don't feel like saying much today... i'll be back again soon... aitez, i'm ghost...

I was reading thru my previous entry... sociology?!... race?!... Al-Qaeda?!... WTF?! I must haf really been stoning too much. Sheeessh... ok, nways so far life is getting better. Trying to get on wif my life... occupying myself wif a lot of stuff. Haf you guys ever wondered how much memories pictures and photographs can contain? It's amazing wat these pieces of paper can remind you of. Like they say, pictures speak a thousand words... then, only a picture can describe how i feel rite now. I don't wanna bring up the past again, its just gonna hurt again. I already haf a scar dat will never heal... moving on... you know what? I think i'll just be talking about the same thing again and again... time is really taking his time to heal my wounds... probably he has some other more urgent cases... maybe he's working overtime on Bush. Georgey must be feeling really stupid rite now... searching all over Iraq for Saddam who is hiding in his own backyard. Ok, i shouldn't say too much... don't want the CIA on my ass... I wanna change a bit of my image. I've a reputation of being quite crappy. corn it! I can't cob wif all this... -.-' . Come on, i'm not wat i'm crapped up to be >.< ... Dunno wat to start wif, but i'll work on it. Probably i wanna try to be more spontaneous. A new year, a new me. Oh, and there's still hope for da world to see this cup of corns on 2-wheelers again... pretty excited about it. I'm getting my life back piece by piece... some of the pieces would be new... needs time before they fit perfectly in... but its all good. Aite, dats it fer now homies... till da next time, word! straight up!

In sociology lecture today we talked about race and ethnic relations. Why are differences so important to everyone? And so what if we are different? These are the essence of sociological enquiries. What the discipline doens't take into account are emotions, thoughts and other irrational and sometimes illogical aspects of the human mind. Things like sadness, anger, happiness and so forth. These account for so many of our actions. Humans don't act upon logic and reason all the time. We are cursed with the gift to think. We try to rationalize everything we see with empirical evidence. Sociology is no different, because it is a science. I am not trying to debunk what sociology represents, i actually love it. It fulfills my thirst for answers, rational answers, to many of the questions i have on homosapiens. We divide and classify ourselves for easy identification. We become merely numbers, statistics... i am just one of the 14% of malays in Singapore's 4.5 million population.The term 'malay' itself actually has no meaning... it is socially constructed. It simply means a group of people who GENERALLY have black or dark brown eyes and hair, dark skin colour and speaks their mother tongue. Malay, or any other classifications, at a race level, is just biological constitutions apparent in our genes... but once we enter into the realm of ethinicity, a whole new factor comes into play. The question of identity, mainly described through culture. Identity is important to those who wants to impose or uplift their ethnicity. A malay is a malay, if she wears tudung or he speaks malay fluently? Oh please... ever since the Sept 11 incident, my goatee have raised brows in my block... come on, i've lived here for 9 years, ever since i was a brat, and now you think i am Al-Qaeda? Does my long wavvy hair gives the impression of a delinquent? Kinda sick of all this social stigmas and stereotypes... please, get out of those shit-holes you guys call home and look around... never judge a book by its covers... Yes, most malays are Muslims. The Al-Qaeda are muslims too, but that doesn't mean all muslims are Al-Qaeda members. And stop assuming that there is a link between us and Sept 11 or the Al-Qaeda like bread is to butter and ass is to hole... leave us out of your pitiful and fruitless conversations. I am not trying to rebel against the institution, but i just wanna be understood, We just wanna be understood. We feel the same about them as you guys do. Though there are dissimilarities among the ethnic groups here, we are still one and the same, we are Singaporeans. But in the process of harmonising and promoting unity, it is inevitable that we need to understand our differences. And in that instance, these differences are made more obvious, sometimes exagerated. So instead of unifying, we in turn become more aloft and drift apart. People should accept each other the way they are... Perhaps, we were not meant to totally accept each other. Maybe tolerate is a more accurate word. You know what... maybe all of us should stop thinking so hard...

"I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now"
~ Everclear

A friend had just describde exactly how i am feeling at the moment... jaded. Tired, wiery... worn out, how apt... Had my judgement been clouded by infatuation, or are they true emotions? Maybe i'm just purely on the rebound... How can people know these kinda things? How can we know the judgement that we make are the right ones? I guess there are no right or wrong...*sigh* Went to school and had my first lecture earlier. Things seem to be the same, but somehow i felt different... like i wasn't really myself. Something had changed... probably its the emptiness. This time round... i walked alone. I wasn't over-burdened by any committments... it was, in a way, liberating... yet couldn't help but feel the loneliness. Its a cruel trade off... loneliness for liberation... restrictions for companionship. Nobody said life is fair...

It is a bit refreshing to go back to school though... kept my mind off a lot o things. A refreshing change from the past one month plus at home and slacking at the usual places. Had my first lecture... Ian Gordon might have crapped too much but at least it kept us entertained. Met a bunch of friends that i lost contact with when school closed. Chilled out at hell (Arts canteen, for anyone who don't know), ate mak cik's rice... usual school stuff. Saw some cute chicks... damn, 'Lana Lang' looks even more cuter this sem... wat happened?! But i think i'm gonna lay off it for the moment, and just enjoy myself. Maybe i am gonna be surprised soon... i just love surprises, don't u? But its like hoping against hope...argh, don't wanna think about it... leave things be, and they have a tendency to fix themselves, over time... O_o I am being overly optimistic today... i'm not supposed to be this way... i like being a pessimist... but maybe i am getting over it... probably its time... i'm going to hit the sack...

"Shit I know how this movie ends,
still I play the starrin role..."
- Jay Z

Ok, 3 days into the new year... initially things looked a bit brighter... but rain clouds soon appear. All was jus a mirage. How can i ever trust anything now... its never what it seems. Some things are never meant to be. Tired, so tired... why do i even bother? Dunno what i should do now... i kept thinking things are getting better, but i was mistaken. Maybe its fated... maybe its destiny... look into this pair of eyes... its gazing into emptiness. The fire that once burnt bright in it, has been reduced to ambers. It will be dying soon. But i care not to relight it... there is no use for it now. The heart that used to gallop with enthusiasm, is now beating just enough to sustain this life. Who am i to care? Just a stranger passing through this world. Probably it is better for me to walk alone for the time being... how long? I got no answer to that. Realise now that i gotta move on. It won't be easy, but nothing is easy. I've been scrapping through difficult times all my life... looks like there won't be a half time for me. Now, life looks more like a rugby game, and i am against colossal ruggers from hell... guess i didn't read the fine print on my contract when God assigned me this life... "Easy life not guaranteed. Other accessories not included. Issuer not responsible for the usage of the merchandise. Liable to termination of contract without prior notice." Well... too late now. I miss the time when i used to brush my teeth next to the drain along with my other classmates. Those were the simpler times...

I'm gonna make this a relatively short entry. First of all, i wanna wish all the peepz out there a very happy new year and hope all your wishes come true... oh yah, and wish you guys a speedy recovery from the hangover from last nite... I will see most of you guys at school, so see ya guys soon. And its become a tradition to make resolutions for the new year. Mine, is more like a wish... i wish 2004 will be a better year for me... placing all hope that i have left on it... ok, that's it. I'm ghost...

You know the famous question "Is the glass half full, or half empty?". I don't get what the fuss is all about... either way the glass is gonna be empty eventually... then it'll be thrown away... alone and useless. After awhile, it'll be forgotten, and the question becomes irrelevent. The truth is, the glass is never empty. Though it may not contain any fluid, there is still air in it. Even then, it seems empty. Similar to life, there may be many things occupying you, life seems empty coz there is no direction... nothing to live for or look forward to. I have been feeling empty lately. Tried to occupy myself by going out with friends and stuff, but life has never been the same since then. I really dunno what to do. What do you do when life is so empty and lonely?

They say everything happens for a reason... then tell me, what good can come out an accident? A big gash on the forehead, a fractured wrist and losing my bike... is that it? What about losing someone you love? What good is there? Come on, tell me! Its almost new year, and frankly the past year had been a huge f*cking pile of shit for me... nothing but loses and failures... how can anybody hope to continue with this kinda set backs... disappointed again and again... i know nothing of the smell of sweet success. Life has been so unfair... why me?! I never thought all this would happen to me, but it has... the scar on my forehead will stay with me forever, so will this scar in my heart. Don't look at me for optimistic bullshit anymore... got none left. Trying so hard to force myself that better days lies ahead, but how can i have such hopes when i can't see the sun anymore? All i see is the darkness, life pass by me in slow motion, empty as the night. Cold chills run down my spine, numbing silence drumming in my ears. Smell of dead isolation lingering... i've seen all that life can dish out, so bring it on!!!

Reality hurts... i can only hope to seek temporary solace here... a sanctuary. A sense of solitude and peace... unleashing all my anger and hatred to the world, and knowing that it can't hurt me here. Life has a lot instored for us, don't expect anything... I'm not really anticipating the new year... let me wallow in darkness and drown in my sorrows...

Everyone has to face down their demons. Maybe today, i can put my past away... - ThirdEyeBlind

I never thought it was possible to take the twinkle out of the stars... have you guys ever seen fish forgetting how to swim? Its like a compass telling you he's lost... that is how i am feeling now, confused and lost. Its as though i have lost my direction in life... just existing as a reason for itself. I didn't feel like doing anything, just bumming around, aimlessly... and sometimes even feeling the hopelessness in life... life sucked big time. For a while, i thought nobody understood how i felt, what i was going through... i was so sure that there was nothing anyone could help me with. And it was true for awhile, coz if you don't wanna be helped, then nothing in this world, or even out of it, can help you. You gotta open the door, before others can come in... i realised talking helps, and there's no shame in showing your emotions... I can't help but feel freakin sad everytime i think of it... but things have already happened. Its as though my heart sinks into the abyss, strapped on with enough c4 to make the big bang look like the 4th of July. Why is it always me? Its better to have love and lost, then not to have loved at all... is that anywhere near the vacinity of truth? I am having doubts on that one. One thing that have just came to mind, if this had happened much earlier in my life, i might not have the mental stability and emotional capability to handle it... in another words, i could have ended up a lot worse if it had happened then. Countless times, i have been presented with the cure to my wounds... forget. How can it be so easy? It is not... something so vital, so important in your life, and you expect to forget it just like that... perhaps, only time will heal all wounds, as cliche as it sounds... it had been real, too bad it has to end... fate has always been cruel to me, i'm not even sure it the sun is gonna rise tommorow...

It was whispered by the willows,
hidden in the breeze.
Should have seen the warning,
when the reddened leaves fell.
Why didn't i notice it,
as days grew cold and silent on me.
Now it is too late,
spring has left me to face autumn alone...

There are some things in life dat never go the you want it... hell, everything don't go the way you want it to. Some say its fate, destiny or some other synonymous bullshit. Do you really believe dat we do not have total control over our lives? Dats a bit pitiful, isn't it? Given lives we have no control off... what the hell, we might as well end it right now. Thing is, we just can't help but get dissapointed when things are not the way we want it to be. You take a handful of rice and drop it on the floor... there are countless, innumerable ways the grains take form on the floor.

Dats how our lives are... unexpected and random... things can never be replicated again. If you had chosen to go JC, and at the end of two years there, you pass. Lets say hands of time is rewinded... and you still choose to go JC, would you be absolutely sure dat you will pass a second time with the same grades?... or will you even pass the second time?... there are so many factors, so many elements causing changes and randomness. Think about it, are things the way they are coz we want them to, or are they just coz they were meant to be. Retiring us to our fate, of which we have no control... or are we only shown the door, and we ourselves have to walk through it? Look outside the window, you will see endless possibilities awaiting... i'm not known to be much of an idealist nowadays, when things are going nowhere but down, you can't help but feel the futility in fighting on... resignation and acceptance is the only retreat. If you wanna take me, now is the time... i won't lift a finger to retaliate.

Tears shed, promises broken, emotions abused... there is nothing else to be done... don't have to humour me, spare me the anguish...

Ok, its a week since my last post... nothing much to complain about the world nowadays. Everything is peaceful at the frontlines... Except the occasional enemy artilery fire, not much has happening. Usual gym sessions, which is not getting me anywhere soon, met up wif buddies to chill out, and errrmmm... went visiting wif frens for hari raya, yah... pretty decent week i guess. Oh, must tell u guys about this Jap anime i've been watching... no, not porn or dat kinda stuff... its about vampires hunting bad vampires... called 'Hellsing'. THis vamp guy, Alucard, damn cool as hell i tell ya, drop dead cool heheh ;) He's THE undead, the big kahuna of monsters... U guys gotta watch it for yer selves...


Which Hellsing character are you?

Maybe i tell ya guys about a revelation i had... its about friends. Now there are many types of friends; real ones, late ones, never turn up ones, bad ones and the crappy ones(i've got a lot of these). The saying 'no man is an island' don't really make real sense but if u think about it, everybody needs friends... even G.W Bush has friends. No matter how u classify friends, the real ones don't haf to be wit u all the time, but are there when u really need them. Forestgump once said, "life is like a box of chocolates, u'll never know wat u gonna get...". If dat is true then within dat box u call life, u'll find all sorts and varieties of chocolates... nice sweet ones, bitter sweet ones, nutty ones, creamy caramel ones and sometimes, if you are lucky, u'll find a very special one, which you will never forget. Whatever it is, everybody loves chocolates no matter wat kind. Treasure them, u might not know when they gonna save u from sumting, sumtime... There'll be a special group of them, dat u'll call 'braders', or 'sistas' for dat matter. A big family, consisting of peeps from different races, languages, status and class; linked by a special bond dat trancends all boundaries. Learn to compromise and accept them the way they are. Yes, there'll be time when they will irritate u by being late or not showing up, but u'll get used to it. Its all part and parcel of life... of being a social creature... well, u can cut them up into pieces and eat them up, but it wudn't be very nice wud it? Think of wat the others might say... Seriously, there will be this special chocolate in your box, dat won't come twice in your life... treasure dat one more, do not take it for granted, coz once dat one is gone, its hard to get it back. Enjoy it, nibble it slowly... feel it melt down your tongue and your throat... sounds a bit erotic... ok, You'll never know if dat one IS the ONE for certain. But do you dare to take the chance? Be like Morpheus, believe in the one... this is exactly the opposite what i said before.... ironic huh? But face it, we are all humans after all... love n hate come like sunshine n rain...

I'm not gonna contradict myself any further... there are many sides of me u guys don't know... maybe slowly u'll see piece by piece of this puzzle... jus wanna remind y'all dat i'm not trying to influence any of u, i'm jus expressing myself, and sharing it all wif those who bother to listen... there are so few of those nowadays... ok, i'm ghost

Its been 4 days since my last entry into the journal... and there's been concerned peeps asking about me after reading my entries. Well, truth is... i'm feeling much better. Its just dat sometimes, things just never go your way and the only way for you to make the situation any better is by blowing your fuse. Those of you who know me considerably well, know who i am... the entries are what i really feel... things dat i cannot express directly. I know the entries so far in the journal are full of angst and hate... but how can i write anything nice and cheerful if i don't feel dat way? Its a reflection of my feelings... emotions... something i consider very personal... never did this before, but so far its helping me handle my stress a lot.

Maybe i shud say more positive things this time... i'm gonna try to be frank. I really can't think of anything rite now. Ok... i have been going to gym regularly the past week. My muscles are all aching now, yet i feel good. People say; no pain, no gain. But dats not jus it... how is it dat we feel better when we suffer and feel pain? I dunno, but if u ask me it the pain simply tells me that i'm still alive. Human beings are like dat... we need constant reminders, to pull us back into reality... we already associate life with pain, suffering and death... life is not a bed of roses... life is full of ups and downs... Shakespear compared life to a stage performance, of which actors come n go... life without them is too good to be true. Its like how can forces of good exist, if there's no evil... think about it... one compliments the other, helping each other to survive, yet they are feeding off each other as well... don't you think so? In simpler terms, there won't be any police force if there are no criminals... take away the need and and you take away the reason for existance. Classic Yin-Yang case... So if we can't seperate pain and suffering from our lives, why not make use of it... feed off it... things dat don't kill you, will make you stronger...make it the fuel for which you shall overcome obstacles... fight fire with fire... use the anger, the pain and the suffering to push you forward.

Aite... dats it for today... jus remember one thing though... for watever reason God invented pain for, jus be thankful that you are what you are now, and not some hugh, freakish, talking, purple dinosour. I'm ghost...

~~Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, normally do~~

I just feel dat i should tell you guys this... if you are in love, enjoy it while it last. Coz it will not last long. It creeps up to you like a mosquito on your arm... it doesn't hurt... sometimes you don't know its there. BUT as soon as it leaves, your arm itches, it hurts and you wish you can just scratch it off. REALITY CHECK!! Even mopiko won't help you now. Live with it. You are unwanted. SO why do you dwell on it? Move on, get a life Gee... do you smell dat stink? Its YOU! You are decompossing... you'll lose dat pretty eyes of yours and more if you let it drag you down. Love you more than life itself... bullshyte man! Who's the mo'fo who came up with dat line? Obviously he ain't got no life... Whats the use of ever trying to keep a candle burning in the middle of a freakin storm? Might as well blow the stupid candle yourself... save you the trouble rite? Hey, sorry if i am bursting whoevers' bubbles, but wake up and slap yourselves a few times... life's a bitch. If you can ever imagine yourself walking alone down a dark path, in a cold wet nite, and even the rats staying out of your way... good, coz dats where i am now. I don't expect anyone of ya to accompany me down there, don't even want a torchlight... i just wanna walk through it and get to the other side... who knows, maybe there's a cafe around the corner...

~~If everyday is a new beginning, i just wanna go straight to the ending... coz i suck at introductions...~~

Its been like 3 days since i wrote anything... thing is, i've been pretty busy with a lot of stuff. I've added a stream to my journal page; So Far Away by Staind... pretty apt song actually if you listen to the lyrics carefully. Ok... now on Friday nite, we went out... more of a guys' nite out, except there was Tania of course. It was ok, although the music was a bit sucky... not wat i expected of a Friday nite. I reached home around 5 plus in the morning... didn't have enuf sleep before leaving for Johore to visit some of my relatives there...

The first home we visited was in the rural area of Johore, quite deep into the heartlands of JB. Their house were the traditional kampong houses you would imagine in your mind. Chickens running around... cats lying about and cows crossing the path infront of your car... it was peaceful, a place you would go if you wanna be left alone. Actually it was at the foot of a mountain; called "Gunung Pulai". Its not really very high, but definitely higher than our Mt Faber... I wanted to take a photo of the mountain, but the cheapo digital camera i had wif me couldn't handle such an ornamental sight. I've got other photos of my visit to JB though in the Album section. The second house seem to be in a more urban area of JB... and so were the relatives living there... they had 3 cars, and the eldest daughter lived in an apartment nearer to her workplace... we visited her too. Nways, these relatives of ours had basically most of the luxuries of life... not like the kampong dwelling relatives. SO their lifestyles were a bit different too. We left JB like around 9pm and got stuck for half an hour at the causeway, reaching home at 10.30pm.

Ok, enuf of the JB visit. The next day, i went wif the guys to the beach... it wasn't sunny enuf, so certain people pulled out while some couldn't not even get up from their beds... 6 of us continued on wif our plan. Reaching the beach, it was a surprising sight. Although there wasn't any sun, babes in bakinis were aplenty and people were playing beach volleyball. After changing, we hit the ball around and then went to canoeing. It was fun... but it would be merry if there were more of us there... we left around 6 plus and met the others for dinner at Tiong Bahru market. Ok, the issue i wanna discuss here, is punctuality... or at least turning up. I'm ok wif people being late, coz at least they turn up in the end. Some just can't get up from their stinking beds. I mean wth rite? If you had made plans, make an effort to keep to it. If you know you haf to wake up early in the morning, then sleep early the nite before... i'm pretty flexible, if you don't feel like turning up at all, at least call and inform us. These people haf become pretty undependable in my eyes. Hey, sorry if you guys feel hurt or something... this is meant to be, coz this is wat i feel... i mean come on, is not been the first time. Today's gym session is another example... wat is so attractive or watever about sleeping the whole freakin day off? Why is it soooo nice to stay in bed for dat long? I don't understand... Or wat the hell did you guys do the whole fcuking nite?! Not making an attempt to even call to say dat you are not coming symbolises how much respect you have for your friends... ahhhh, fcuk it! You won't understand...

I'm pretty pissed off by this coz i always make an attempt to be punctual... i know wat it feels to wait for people who turn up late. I'm not saying dat i'm better than any of you... but the point is we all haf to make an attempt to at least cause the least possible amount of inconsiderations to people around us as possible. RESPECT... dats the word. If you jus do as you wish, without the slightest consideration for others, than you are better off living in the mountains... try Gunung Pulai... I'm not being unreasonable in being this pissed off... if only you guys know wat has been happeining. Watever it is, i hope you guys change... i don't ask much, but if we are to coexist together, then all of us haf to compromise and make sacrifices. I don't wanna make this entry any longer so... i'm ghost...

Just came back from visiting again... it was worth it tonite. I am let off tomorrow, so i can go parteh with the guys. Earlier today, my grandma made some fried popiah... nobody makes popiah like grandma. Damn, i finished like 6 to 7 of 'em... was lickin my fingers after dat. After dat, played a little gunbound... u guys should try and play it, damn fun. After dat, watched tv... nothin special.

But see... a relative had visited in the afternoon... and he was talking to my grandma, then he asked me what i was doing currently. So i said "NUS". Excitedly, he asked which faculty. I couldn't even finish saying "arts n social sciences", half way he was already saying "ohhh... ok." Dats it... period... after which he continued talking to my grandma. NOw, don't get me wrong... i'm not hard up to talk to him. I never really liked him in the first place. He got this air of greatness around him... as if... You see, he has a son... who had went to NUS too... but unlike me, dat son of his graduated as a DOCTOR... so you see, arts n soci is not good enough for him, coz his son is a DOCTOR now... like i give a damn... You go see a doctor, and the first thing they ask you is "OK, so what is wrong with you?" OK, let me tell you something DOCTOR, i came here coz i am sick and i wanna find out what the hell is wrong with me. So if i knew what is wrong with me in the first place and know exactly what to do, then i won't come to see your ugly ass face in the first place... DAmnnnnn!!! I mean so what if you are a doctor? huh?! Put a doctor alone on an island, will he survive? He has the same survival rate as the rest of us... i'm not belittling all the doctors out there, but you guys are not gods... but some of you sure do act like you are...

Look, its not i don't wanna study hard, be a goodie two-shoes doctor and take care of my aging parents... But hey, we all do it in different ways... ways we know how... so don't judge me fooo... put yourself in my shoes before you do it... even then you won't know how it feels to be me. Look at me, but don't impose your personal values on me. Keep those discriminating, degrading words to yourself... you can try to push me around... you can try to kick me when i'm down... but each time you do it, i'll just get up with my head up higher than before... let's see who'll last... the sun rises everyday, dawg... i'm ghost.

OK, firstly i really haf to express my greatest, heart-felt, sincere, mind-blowing irrtation on this f*cked up host site... i was bloody typing my first entry to my journal and when i clicked save after i finshed, u know wat flashed on my screen?! "YOUR BLOODY SESSION HAF BLOODY EXPIRED. SO IF YOU HAVE SO MUCH BLOODY TIME ON YOUR HANDS, PLEASE F*CKING RE-LOG INTO YOUR BLOODY WEBSITE!!!" If dat wasn't irritating, then i dunno wat else is... i couldn't find a proper time-stamping html code or java script to make my life easier... and typing down everything straight onto the website rather than using a link to a blog isn't dat much simpler either... then this had to happen... just super-dooper dandy... wat a great ending to my freakin happy day of celebrations...

Now, Hari Raya isn't wat it used to be... its boring now... i used to anticipate the coming of this day, now... i'm indifferent, couldn't matter any lesser actually... bet dats how the adults are feeling too... Their only concerns are to visit as much relatives as possible in this one month of festivities to improve their PR and diplomatic relations with the other relatives... rather than really embracing the real mood and atmosphere of the times... i find it really fake... but wat can they do... its their duty... a social contruct, an invented tradtion, a ritual they go through every year... so dat they can conform to society... me, i jus tag along behind them and try to spot as many hot chicks in kebayas as i can... seriously, gerls in kebayas are HOTTTTT i tell ya!!! TTTSsssssssss!!!! smoking... Dunno why the minahs prefer wearing their minimalistic, flesh-parade constumes... not dat i haf any complaints, but i would prefer kebayas anytime... and one more surprising thing is dat i've got quite a number of really good-looking, close to the degree of hotness, relatives... DAMN... where were they when i was growing up? Nways... all this seem deja vu to me as i type most of everyting, a second time... hope there won't be a third *sigh* But at least today is finally over...

Now, i'm only looking forward to the weekends and when most of you peeps out there haf completed your exams... so dat we can parteh!!!! i really need to unwind... Hari Raya is not helping at all... hmmm... hope i can get lucky too... Nways, dats all i wanna say... for the second time... oh before i go, if any of know of any good time-stamping java-script or html code, please tell me... orite then... i'm ghost.